Warhammer 40k: Dawn of Highschool
by KaiserKlay
Summary: What if the Imperial Guard, Eldar and Chaos all took a collective initiative to re-educate their soldiers? Also, this is my first work and it is probably terrible. But you gave to suck to become good right?
1. Chapter 1

Warhammer 40k: Dawn of High school

It came as a surprise to most everyone in the Imperium, hell; the God- Emperor was shocked, and he's fucking dead! Almost none of the Imperial guardsmen (or any other races warriors) had a high school education. So, to counter act this shame upon humanity; The Imperium, the Eldar, A few fringe Chaos groups and whatever tamed feral Orks we could find were thrust into a new galactic education program to increase combat effectiveness. Plus, for the time being, all these groups have ceased hostilities until each faction can build their own education installations. This is the story of a Guardsman named Gerald Fawkes (real subtle god damn symbolism right?) and his 4 years enrolled in the Academy of Borealum.

**Day 1**: "Well, it could be worse" Stan, Gerald's quarter brother said. (He has like 4 parents or something) Gerald shrugged and looked around at the Eldar Gaurdians, cultists and orks mill about on the campus. The Academy itself is made up of 3 dormitory buildings. One for guardsmen, a building for orks and a building elder, at the front gate of the campus 2 space marines stood instructing the new guys about academy rules and regulations. Gerald and Stan walked up to the marines with their boxes of things in hand. Having to pass many Cadians, Vostroyans and even a few Death Korps soldiers, the 2 listened intently. The marines said over a small loudspeaker: "The academy has a few zero tolerance policies. One includes heresy among imperial ranks". A guardsman raised a hand among the crowd. "Then why do we have chaos cultists here?" The mob went silent. The marine gave the same blank stare that every other marine gives. The marine next to the announcer, in a flash of speed, shot the guardsman. Later everyone received their schedules and room numbers. Gerald and Stan were put on opposite sides of the building. Gerald opened the door to his room to find his 4 other roommates were already there. Because the others were already there he thought he had the incorrect room "Oh, I'm sorry I must have the wrong room." One of his roommates, blond hair, medium build about 6' 2" stopped him. "No, no, your Gerald Fawkes right?" his roommate turned him towards the occupant list.

He was on there all right. "I'm Philippe by the way, nice to see a friendly face here." Philippe gestured towards the 3 other cultists huddling by one of the beds. Gerald asked, "So… where is my bunk?" Philippe became nervous and said a weak, "umm, you'll have to share with me." Gerald replied with, "Ok then, it'll be like when me and my brother played worm hunter when we were kids!" {O_O} was the only expression that Philippe could create. "Yeah…I'm just going to get some sleep." Said Philippe.

**Night 1**: Gerald was trying to sleep next to Philippe when he felt something cold on his thigh. "Phil?" Gerald looked and the coldness was actually Philippe's sleeping hand. "Um, Philippe…" Gerald persisted, attempting to notify Philippe of his actions. Philippes hand move slowly up and down the length of Gerald's leg. When Gerald realized this he flipped his shit. "What the hell do are you doing?" Gerald yelled at the top of his lungs. Philippe freaked out too, flailing about in the bunk for 30 seconds until he realized what he was doing. "Oh shit sorry Jerry. I have this weird habit of having dreams about groping Eldar harlequins and, well. Sometimes it translates into actions." The cultists were still sound asleep in each of their beds. After a minute they calmed down and got a somewhat restless sleep due to the fact that Philippe was still groping an imaginary harlequin. Which, just so happened to be our pseudo-hero, Gerald Fawkes.

Day 2 Morning: Gerald awoke to the sound and smell of sizzling bacon. Enchanted by this orgasm of the senses, barrel rolled out of his bunk, which in turn caused his sheets to wrap around his torso. Gerald turned a corner into the kitchen to find Philippe, as well as the cultists munching on bacon. "Oh Gerald, your up, finally christ!" Philippe announced. "what time is it, and who's Christ?" Gerald mumbled sleepily. "Umm, I…don't actually know…." Philippe said embarrassed as Gerald was regaining his senses. "we could ask one of the pre imperium history professors." One of the cultists suggested in a surprisingly feminine voice. Gerald and Philippe exchanged looks and said "We?"

Day 2 First Class, Imperium history: As the professor was professing or whatever it is they do. Geralds eye computer display HUD thing showed that he had a new message from Stan. Gerald thought about opening it, but, it was his brother. He opened it and was bombarded with the screams of fear from multiple voices. Next he saw a short message, in all caps that read: GERALD, NEED HELP. Gerald thought about whether or not to see if he needed help, he thought to himself. "No, don't leave a reason why I should help you or anything." Gerald left the class to get to Stan's room in the east wing….


	2. Chapter 1 Redux

Dawn of Highschool Redux

Chapter 1

AN: Okay, so apparently around 2 people liked "Dawn of Highschool" and after looking back on it I felt as though I could to much worse, this is the result.

The warp is a strange place. I'm not talking about the whole "risk of being possessed by demonic spirits" or the "going insane" thing; I'm talking about the fucking people who _live_ there.

My name is Indrick (yeah, I know) and I've been an imperial guard commissar for about…well, it's difficult to keep track of time in a place that technically doesn't physically exist, but the point is that when I started I didn't have pubes and now I've completely given up trying to shave there so…that's something. I was assigned to some new co-operation project between the Imperium and the various somewhat races in the galaxy. Basically the idea is that if all the people of the galaxy can be educated together then they can learn to live together. So they went into the warp (I still haven't gotten an answer as to why) and built a massive academy there so that they could all come together in a massive initiative to kill each other more efficiently. I know that I said "co-operation project" but it's co-operation much in the same way that Khorne is a pastry baker.

Day 1, Morning: I entered through the backdoor as I always do in these 'first day' situations, then slinked my sweet ass over to the cafeteria because I don't trust the restaurants around this part of the warp. Anyway I grabbed some of those weird fruit pie things you're supposed to microwave but everybody eats raw because fuck that and roamed through the halls to find my dormitory. Under normal circumstances all of the species would be kept separate but instead they went with the classic gender separation. And before you ask, yes, there are actually female Orks. I finally found my way around and found myself in front of an Eldar who was holding a box in his hands. "Hello, hummen." He said, with that weird 'oh man look how fucking Zen I am' voice they have and introduced himself as Tan'Dan, despite the fact that is a very Tau sounding name. "So, I suppose you're…Indrick…Borea-?" "No. Not that guy, just Indrick." I said, before he could bring up _that guy_. We talked for a while about nothing when a knock was heard at the door. Tan'Dan walked over to answer the door, but that became unnecessary as the guest kicked down the door, and an Ogryn stood in the doorway, wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. "Who in the Emprah's sweet buttery ass is that?" I asked. "He should be…" Tan'Dan said, looking over the sheet he was given, "He is…Dick." "Dick…?" I inquired impatiently. Then it spoke, "Dick McSlick at your service sire~!" Dick said with a posh British accent. "Oh dear Emprah it can talk" I blurted with both shock and happiness. "I apologize if I came at an inopportune time sirs. "Oh no, you came exactly when you needed to" Tan'Dan said.

Day 1, Noon: So after talking and such with Dan and…I refuse to call it Dick McSlick but fuck it that's his name. I went down to the food court area thing to get something to eat, as I.G rations are…well they're a thing, and that's more than I can say for most things that aren't. I entered the food court and found 2 things:

1. The most ungodly _fucking stench_ any sentient being is capable of sensing.

2. The _hottest fucking Eldar I have ever had the possibility of even beginning to maybe kind of get a small glimpse of_

The smell, oddly enough, was coming from the human kitchen at the end of the room I was standing. Whatever was going on it wasn't pretty, so I decided to use this moment to get as close as possible to the Eldar woman (is it though?) as I could. Sadly, however, so were 6 other guys. Thankfully though 4 of them were orks and…well, as fun as it would have been to watch _that _encounter (AN: take that however you will) I decided to step in and do something. My first obstacle was an Eldar guardian who clearly didn't know how to drink a dick. "So umm…" he (?) said, twiddling his thumbs, "What umm…" he continued, I knew I wouldn't have to anything to get past this guy. "36 Triple D" The Eldar woman (?) said. "Oh...um, thanks?" he said, he was quickly swept away by my next opponent, Butch. Butch too was once an Imperial Commissar and was about 6' 2", like me, but he had one thing I didn't. Bitchin' facial hair. "So, 36 Triple D, huh?" Butch said, his voice like the Emprah's sweetest lullaby. "That's gotta me hard with slinging around weapons and mental powers, eh? See what I did there, because you see, it implies that your breasts are giving me an ere-"

"YES I FUCKING GET IT." She yelled at him, slamming her fists down onto the table with the audience giving their "oh snaps" and the like.

"FIne, bitch, be that way" Butch said, exasperated.

It was at this point I knew it was time to make my move.

I slid my sweet ass down the bench of the table and began my attack.

"Hello miss, may I have your name?" I began, not quite sure of what to respond to her with.

"Farseer Pai'Nus, if you _must _know." She said with a sigh, whilst I was, internally, feeling her thigh.

"I'm sure all of these d-bags must be a riot" I started, "Shit, it seems like this place'll never be quiet"

"Yes, it seems as though you're correct" She replied, "also you look to be kind of erect."

"Don't mind that, it's just my lasgun" I said, "and trust me, it's loads of fun."

"Uh uh, and excuse me, for I must leave." She said. "But wait!" I said, "for why must you reprieve?"

"Because I have shit to do." She said, "and I've no time for the likes of you."

So I walked back, feeling dejected, to the dorm from which I'd ejected. To the bedroom that I had I had been given. Like an inmate, in a self built prison.

**End of Chapter 1**


End file.
